My Push
This is for YOU who have encouraged me to write again. To explore that creative side of me. You are one of the most influential people in my life, and I couldn’t thank you enough for always seeing the different light that shines in me. For being with me throughout this journey of self-awakening.
Indestructible Phase (bulletproof)
Have you ever been in that phase of your life when everything works fantastic? You felt like nothing will ever hurt you. You have this bulletproof jacket that protects you so hard; you are actually just numbing.
Work life is great, home life you can’t complain about… YES! this is the INDESTRUCTIBLE PHASE; everything is just the way you like it.
This is my life; I love to be in control of everything and can anticipate every action that the people around me would do. I limit my circle because I want to be in control. No one can touch me, see me… because in my mind, if I am invisible, then I am indestructible. For years, I have enjoyed this lifestyle.
I called it being “shy,” but it’s actually being scared of exposing myself to uncertainties. Learning my lessons from the past, that being kind and vulnerable is like a wounded animal in the middle of the jungle. I wore layers of a bulletproof jacket… No one can touch me nor hurt me anymore. I am at the top of the world.
But am I happy?… a question that I would, with all my wits, justify as “being happy is a choice to make,” an answer that would at times shut those inquisitive souls.
Until I stumbled and met this strange feeling unexpectedly.
The Pleasant Unpleasant Surprise
It was like in the middle of a calm ocean with my tiny stable boat. Every wave that hits me I am prepared; every storm that comes, I know where is the nearest shore. Until one night out of nowhere, a thunderstorm came along with huge waves. They hit me insanely, and my boat was capsized. Not in my wildest dream that I would ever be in the middle of these wild waters of the ocean. I don’t want to be drowned with these emotions of fear, vulnerability, shame, and uncertainties.
I tried to swim ashore with every bit of my strength. But the more I struggle, the more that I am sinking. All my mind was telling me was to keep afloat.
But how? I am not prepared for this… I panicked; every muscle of emotion that my soul has is hurting. For the first time in years, I met vulnerability again, and I felt alive.
A long time ago, I met pain, rejections, betrayal, and self-pity. Back then, I tried to counter this with kindness, compassion, and love, but the experience was too intense that I ended up retreating and started to wear my jacket of protection.
The feeling of being alive engulfed me with mixed emotions… It felt so good but painful, liberating but at the same time, I felt oppressed, gave trust and at the same time being betrayed.
I took a deep breath, dive underneath the wild stormy waters of the ocean. Swim back up with a new resolution of embracing this unexpected turn of events. Made a vow of not swimming towards my life jacket but instead face this with strength and weakness, with joy and tears, pride and humility inside me. I know if I can swim safely ashore, it will be a better version of me.
In Retrospective
In the midst of this ocean where I am vulnerable to all of these new sensations, I now learn that these wild waves broke me and taught me how to be humble and kind.
I will not resist the current of struggles; instead, I will flow along with gratefulness in my heart.
Not every creature in this ocean would appreciate my existence. But I know that only those who see and appreciate me matter. As long as I have these dolphins who would lend their fins whenever I am exhausted to swim, I will be okay.
The shore is already in sight, and so is MYSELF. I am thankful for YOU who made the thunderstorm and capsized my boat. For I have learned a lot about myself.
My heart is full of gratitude, compassion, understanding, and love. These are fires that will always burn inside me, no matter what the future brings.
As Ms. Brenè Brown said, “Vulnerability is the core of shame and fear and our struggle for worthiness, but it is also the birthplace of joy, innovation, creativity of belonging, of love.”
To my Journey of Self-Awakening.
The Power of Vulnerability Teaching on Authenticity, Connection, and Courage
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